May 27, 2011

Things that bothered me as a child:

The song “We All Know Frogs Go La-Di-Da-Di-Da”. One of my earliest memories is standing on top of a table in playgroup when I was 4 and screaming, “FROGS DON’T GO LA-DI-DA-DI-DA!!! THEY GO RIBBIT!!!”

This scene from Beauty and The Beast:

I didn’t have a problem with The Beast, or the talking furniture, or even the unrealistic expectations of what a beautiful woman should look like. The major issue I had with this film is when Gaston throws Belle’s book into a puddle and she just CASUALLY WIPES THE MUD OFF. What?! Books are made of PAPER! Everyone knows MUD beats PAPER! Just like Paper beats Rock and Cillit Bang beats Dirt! If I were Belle and some douche threw my book into some mud, I’d roundhouse kick him in the tenderbits. Now THERE’S a female protagonist little girls should look up to! (I also thought the Prince was way uglier than The Beast and he should have just stayed cursed.)

David Bowie’s bulge in Labyrinth. I remember thinking, “I shouldn’t be looking at his willy,” but then I was like, “but why would they make it so obvious if I wasn’t supposed to look at it?”

Existentialism. I was genuinely frightened that if I thought too much about where I was before I was born, I would then disappear from existence all together.

Rectangle sandwiches. My Mum’s the best cook in the world, but for some reason, I never appreciated her sandwiches. Everyone else’s always looked and tasted better. In the end, I decided it was because their Mums cut their sandwiches into triangles and my Mum would cut mine in rectangles. I told her I wanted triangle sandwiches once and she said I could make my own. I reluctantly agreed to stick to her rectangle sandwiches, but instead I just started swapping my crisps for other kids’ sandwiches. Sandwiches.

Matthew Twilley. I won the 50 Metre Freestyle in my Primary School Aquatics Carnival (it was a pretty big deal). Matthew Twilley came 2nd, but came 1st out of the boys. In our Year 7 Yearbook, it stated that he came 1st, instead of me. This has always (and possibly always will) bother me. I understand how stupid this is.

Erasing precious memories. When I was 8 and my brother as 5, we went to a Special Effects exhibition at the Investigator Science Centre. We made this awesome video of us doing different types of Special Effects scenes (scaling buildings, etc, using green screen technology). In particular, I remember one of the scenes was us reading the news. We were given standard scripts which everyone got, but instead we made up our own news which went along the lines of:
Me: “Terror struck the world today as a large Nothing swept through the country, erasing everything where it went.” (Very Neverending-Story-inspired.)
Mike: “The Power Rangers saved the world again, from the big Nothing.”
Me: “And now on to the weather…”
Adorable, yeah? So when I was 11, I was waiting for the Spice Girls concert to start on TV, when we decided to watch the 15 minute video of us being brilliant. But I FORGOT TO CHANGE THE VIDEO AFTERWARDS. 15 minutes into Spice Girls and the video tape stops. I try to work out why it’s stopped and then I realise. I’ve taped over our video. One of my favourite family moments ever. Gone. This remains my greatest regret to this day.